* respect your elders. They graduated from school without the internet.
* i've decided i'm not old, i'm 45 -- plus shipping and handling.
* why do i have to press "1" for english? Did america move?
* we have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
* behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
* let's stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.
* vegetarian: Ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish, or light fires!
* i look at people and sometimes think "really? -- that's the sperm that won?"
* in my defense i was left unsupervised.
* if guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.
* my decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.
* some things are just better left unsaid -- and i usually realize it right after i say them.
* we owe illegals nothing -- we owe our veterans everything.
* camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
* i thought getting old would take longer.
* a wise man once said - - nothing.