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Quotes from Comedian Stephen Wright

*I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.

* I had amnesia once -
- maybe twice.

* I went to San Francisco.
I found someone's heart.

* Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

* If the world was a logical place,
Men would ride horses sidesaddle.

* What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?

* They told me I was gullible ..
.. And I believed them.

* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
When he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

* Two can live as cheaply as one,
For half as long.

* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

* What if there were no hypothetical questions?

* One nice thing about egotists ..
.. They don't talk about other people.

* When the only tool you own is a hammer,
Every problem begins to look like a nail.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

* My weight is perfect for my height ..
.. Which varies.

* I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

* The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

* How can there be self-help "groups"

* Is there another word for synonym?

* The speed of time is one second per second.

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* What's another word for thesaurus?

* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

* It's not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.

* Is it my imagination,
Or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

* If a number 2 pencil is the most popular,
Why is it still number 2?

*I once bought a cordless extension cord.

* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

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