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Quotes from Comedian Stephen Wright
*I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.
* I had amnesia once -
- maybe twice.
* I went to San Francisco.
I found someone's heart.
* Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* If the world was a logical place,
Men would ride horses sidesaddle.
* What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
* They told me I was gullible ..
.. And I believed them.
* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
When he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
* Two can live as cheaply as one,
For half as long.
* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
* What if there were no hypothetical questions?
* One nice thing about egotists ..
.. They don't talk about other people.
* When the only tool you own is a hammer,
Every problem begins to look like a nail.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
* My weight is perfect for my height ..
.. Which varies.
* I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.
* The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
* How can there be self-help "groups"
* Is there another word for synonym?
* The speed of time is one second per second.
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* It's not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.
* Is it my imagination,
Or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
* If a number 2 pencil is the most popular,
Why is it still number 2?
*I once bought a cordless extension cord.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
*I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.
* I had amnesia once -
- maybe twice.
* I went to San Francisco.
I found someone's heart.
* Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
* If the world was a logical place,
Men would ride horses sidesaddle.
* What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
* They told me I was gullible ..
.. And I believed them.
* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
When he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
* Two can live as cheaply as one,
For half as long.
* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
* What if there were no hypothetical questions?
* One nice thing about egotists ..
.. They don't talk about other people.
* When the only tool you own is a hammer,
Every problem begins to look like a nail.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
* My weight is perfect for my height ..
.. Which varies.
* I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.
* The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
* How can there be self-help "groups"
* Is there another word for synonym?
* The speed of time is one second per second.
* Is it possible to be totally partial?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* It's not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.
* Is it my imagination,
Or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
* If a number 2 pencil is the most popular,
Why is it still number 2?
*I once bought a cordless extension cord.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
