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Sorry I have to vent.

I'm a bad and petty person, just ask my family. I asked, this evening, my sister when she was going to pay me back the money I lent her 7 years ago. I told her not once would she talk to me about it and I had decided to removed her and her girls as beneficiaries to my life savings. She turned it around that I hurt her feelings and she has 3 girls to raise and that I would be that petty. The rest of my siblings and mother's family are like her. I'm the bad guy as I no longer want to help any of them out. The only time I seem to be family is when they need something. I'm also accused of never contacting them and act like they don't exist. Here is the funny part, I have zero contact information for most of them, and they all have my info.

At least my dad's side of the family is somewhat honest. They have their little circle and I was never considered part of it. When my Dad's oldest sister passed away, I was asked why I didn't go to the calling hours or funeral. No one told me until a month after she was buried. I found out my siblings were supposed to let me know. So they all think I'm a bad person. I don't nor my dad has any of their contact info either.

I guess I hit the point that I'm tired of being taken advantage of, bogus stories told about, and lied to. Other than my Dad, I guess I've never been treated like family. This is the main reasons will not do Facebook or any other social media. It's more interesting to talk about guns, history, and pets here.

So I'm wondering why I'm feeling like the bad guy? Should I just forgive her for never paying me back? I found she has done the same thing to my dad.

Maloy
 

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Sorry I have to vent.

I'm a bad and petty person, just ask my family. I asked, this evening, my sister when she was going to pay me back the money I lent her 7 years ago. I told her not once would she talk to me about it and I had decided to removed her and her girls as beneficiaries to my life savings. She turned it around that I hurt her feelings and she has 3 girls to raise and that I would be that petty. The rest of my siblings and mother's family are like her. I'm the bad guy as I no longer want to help any of them out. The only time I seem to be family is when they need something. I'm also accused of never contacting them and act like they don't exist. Here is the funny part, I have zero contact information for most of them, and they all have my info.

At least my dad's side of the family is somewhat honest. They have their little circle and I was never considered part of it. When my Dad's oldest sister passed away, I was asked why I didn't go to the calling hours or funeral. No one told me until a month after she was buried. I found out my siblings were supposed to let me know. So they all think I'm a bad person. I don't nor my dad has any of their contact info either.

I guess I hit the point that I'm tired of being taken advantage of, bogus stories told about, and lied to. Other than my Dad, I guess I've never been treated like family. This is the main reasons will not do Facebook or any other social media. It's more interesting to talk about guns, history, and pets here.

So I'm wondering why I'm feeling like the bad guy? Should I just forgive her for never paying me back? I found she has done the same thing to my dad.

Maloy
I know just how you feel. I just told my remaining family off, basically just like you did.

To make along story short, I told my Dad off in 1999 when he decided my then BIL was more important to him than his son, and proceeded to tell me, "Don't do anything to stop him from getting on where you work" and "Don't do anything to effect his career"; this after he nearly destroyed my career at another place we worked at (another one of "Daddy's Great Ideas"). Well, everything went to crap, and I left him and that job. I became the bad guy for leaving, and stating why to the employer. My BIL kept up with discrimination, harassment, defamation, and slander of me at the new place. I quit, and he was fired soon afterward. Again. my fault.

My Dad passed in 2006. I did not go to the funeral. Only my one sister knew the truth as to why. She made up an excuse as to why I did not go. Other family members were saying lies about why I did not go, and they still, to this day, lie about it.

Last year, that one sister, the only family member I respected and respected me back, passed away. My family then decided that I was the ONLY family member to not speak at the funeral, as, and I quote, "Everybody else will say everything about her, you will just be repeating things again." Well, I bypassed them, and when my brother tried to come up and remove me from the podium, I yelled, "And here comes the toxic control enforcer to stop me. But he does not know about my sister and I and this, that, and another thing that many people here may remember, but NO ONE ELSE knows about." My brother and I have not spoke since. My living sister has disowned me (the feeling is mutual), and my Mother was put in her place about the whole situation, as she was a major contributor to my brother and living sister's actions.

SO, long story short, I have told my remaining family off for their toxic control of me, and if they want to get back together again, they will have to follow MY rules from this point forward, which include mutual respect of each other. To date, only my Mother has signed the agreement, made her peace with me, and has done her best to treat me with the respect she would like to be treated with.

I agree wholly with what you did. Don't feel that you are a petty person or a bad person. Sometimes you just have to take the bull with diarrhea by the tail and face the situation, just like you and I did. Yes, you may feel like crap for doing what you did, but that feeling will soon pass. BELIEVE ME, not having to feel like you are trying to tap dance in a mine filed at family gatherings because you might trigger one of those poor family members that think they are better than you are is as freeing as a draft horse losing its harness and no longer pulling a heavy wagon.
 

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And I thought I had a bad relationship with My Family.
 

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I'm guessing that at some time or other, we all have had family drama. Some worse (although I can hardly see how), some lesser so.

Many of us on the forum have never, and likely will never, meet in person but we get to know each other through our posts. Shortly after I joined the forum I found one dedicated to an individual. Harry Garner was, IMO, the forum philosopher. You read some of his posts and reflect on what they mean to you. Harry's Corner continues to be listed and you can still read his musings.

One of his postings that has stayed with me came about nine months before his passing. It really resonated with me because it spoke directly to one of my core beliefs. Family. No matter how badly they may treat you, they still are your family. It probably will be among the hardest things you will do in your life to forgive them for the harm they have done to you. But you should make a valiant attempt to do it. But you don't have to stand in range while people are throwing rocks at you, either.

Here's Harry's post. I hope it helps.

https://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/harry-s-corner/287393-make-amends-while-there-yet-time.html
 

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I live in Florida, my nearest blood relative lives more than a thousand miles away.... That says it all....
 
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Did the venting help?

Many of the things you've mentioned mirror family experiences I've had.

With money loans though, I am not a bank. I'd rather gift it. Otherwise I'd probably have a signed/dated promissory note from the debtor framed upon my shop wall until the matter was settled.

Maybe it's better to just chalk it up as a charitable loss and put your blood pressure to better use?





Family can be trying,
 

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Money's money. Family's family. I infer from the OP that it's a noteworthy amount, but not to the point that your own well-being depends on getting it back. So let it go.

Forgiving your sister's debt isn't about letting her off the hook. It's about not being stuck on that hook yourself. It sounds as if you're not likely to be repaid regardless of what you do, so why carry that around with you? It's easy to say, hard to do -- let it go. Completely. Without fanfare, without throwing guilt or recrimination, without remorse, without expectation of accolades for your generosity.

Do that -- not for her, but for yourself. Let. It. Go.

If you have zero contact information for them, that's not entirely their fault. Get back in touch. A quick call, a short note or a card. One can connect you with another. If they rebuff your contact, try again. If it still fails, you've tried.

You have to find your own peace of mind. 'They think I'm a bad person' will only continue to eat at you if you don't put it to rest. And don't use the sanctuary of the forum as a rationale for not doing the heavy lifting of what family sometimes demands. You don't have to let yourself be taken advantage of -- there are other ways to help and support without giving up money or material. But without any effort to let them know how great you can be, they have only what they know now to move forward with.

You can blow off everything I've said -- after all, this is just a post on a thread. Or you can smorgasbord my comments.

Either way, I wish you well, whatever you do.

Good luck.
 

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NEVER go into business with, nor lend money to family.
 

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Politics be Politics. The worst form of which is and will always be Family Politics because it hits so close to home.
 

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I can't say much, I get taken all the time and not just by family. On the other hand, there are a lot of things that can keep me awake at night but my conscience ain't one of 'em.
 

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The only time my mom or.dad call is if they need something. I'm a little better off than they are,financially, so I usually try to help.
I told both of them to not ask for a loan, as I know it will never be paid back. Just tell me what you need, and if I can afford it at that time I'll help. If I cant...then ,sorry,not this month. I figure a couple of hundred bucks here and there will never amount to what they spent raising me.
 

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Hmmph, I have my own family drama going on. It's best that I just leave it at that.
 

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I'm the black sheep of my family, but it doesn't bother me. My family has ALWAYS been hard-core democrats, and I'm a far far right conservative Republican. Oil and water doesn't mix, so I don't bother with socializing with hostile forces.
 

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It is rare for people not to be estranged from their own family. Nearly all of my friends have some estrangement, even with parents, particularly with siblings, and some with offspring. After a while of feeling they only come around when needing something, you begin to get the message. The term "Family" has changed a lot over the past 60 years. I have been put on too many guilt trips to any longer want to go on any more.
 

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Wish I couldn't relate with this thread.... But at least I really on have one sore spot.
 

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Money destroys families. I've seen it first hand, and it ain't pretty. Somebody always gets greedy, or somebody decides paying somebody back is not really a priority, or worse, they think, 'why should I have to pay them back?'. I try really hard to keep money out of my relationships with my kids.

My brother and I are not where we lend each other money. It's just never been that way, and I'm happy with that.
 

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There's a huge difference between helping someone out just because they need it, because they've asked for it or because they expect it. I'm okay with the first two...:dry:...the latter, not so much.
 

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I'll buck the trend here and say Cut them loose completely. They've already established that you are dead to them until they need something. Stop beating yourself up over the actions of others. I haven't see a single member of my family in over 22 years. My wife talks to them more than I do and they've never even meet in person. Does this change who I am though? Not really. I mean yea sure there's some regret and frustration, but the universe plays out as it must. I don't need to carry that with me through life.
 
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