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Discussion Starter #1
I'm collecting Chuck Norris-isms. Please add any that aren't on this list.

Thank you,
2

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the %[email protected]# he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Never.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take s#%t from anyone.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man once ate a Jeep.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Chuck Norris says.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
 
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I love these...

Chuck Norris doesn't own a microwave or an oven because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, he pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
 

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Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris never wears a motorcycle helmet. The concrete always scoots out of the way.

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Unless Chuck Norris is on the other side, in which case the grass is soaked with blood and tears.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris once ate a Rubrix Cube, and pooped it out solved.

Black holes are stars hiding from the gaze of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris talks about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris knows where the beef is.

Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' about.

When Chuck Norris is around Weebles fall down.

Chuck Norris is more certain than death or taxes.

Bo, in fact, does NOT know Chuck Norris.

It only takes Chuck Norris one roundhouse kick to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll flavored Tootsie Pop.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
 

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whats even better about this isms, is mr norris commented on his site about them. He found them funny and very cool. I think he might have made a few of his own and posted them
 

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I love those!



Manny
 

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Schmidlin said:
whats even better about this isms, is mr norris commented on his site about them. He found them funny and very cool. I think he might have made a few of his own and posted them
lol @ chuck norris having a website
 

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Inspired by another thread.

Chuck Norris's blood is valued at $10,000 an ounce, which is irrelevent because Chuck Norris does not bleed.
 

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Just to brag...

I've actually got to meet chuck norris. He came aboard my ship (USS Theodore Roosevelt) while we were underway. Awesome guy, shorter than you'd think, maybe 5' 6". Got my picture taken with him, the whole bit. The whole time, the only thing in on my mind (seriously) was me going back and forth on wether or not to ask him to roundhouse kick me. That would be the sweetest thing ever, although I probably wouldn't come back from it...
 

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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks all. These are great. Now I need some Hasselhoffisms. :)
 

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A seatbelt doesnt hold Chuck Norris safely in a car, it holds the car safely around Chuck Norris. (please give credit for this to my friend Zack Richards of Anacortes Washington. He made it up.)
 

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tman said:
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Great. Thanks, just lost my ***T at my desk. Guy next door REALLY thinks I'm nuts now!
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Had Chuck Norris been on board the Titanic during its fateful night, the iceberg would have melted instantly under his steely gaze, and the resulting runoff would be boiling steady to this day, never to become ice again.
 

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I'm collecting Chuck Norris-isms. Please add any that aren't on this list.

Thank you,
2

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the %[email protected]# he wants.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Never.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take s#%t from anyone.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man once ate a Jeep.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better do what Chuck Norris says.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
They once named a street after Chuck Norris but had to change it... Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
 

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Those were great! Thanks all for the laughs
 

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Good ones!
 
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