Church Bulletins
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Thread: Church Bulletins

  1. #1
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    Church Bulletins

    .
    Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
    These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
    --------------------------

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    --------------------------

    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    --------------------------

    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'
    --------------------------

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
    Bring your husbands.
    --------------------------

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    --------------------------

    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    --------------------------

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    --------------------------

    Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    --------------------------

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
    So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    --------------------------

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow
    --------------------------

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    --------------------------

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
    and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
    --------------------------

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
    --------------------------

    Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    --------------------------

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
    They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    --------------------------

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
    Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    --------------------------

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him
    their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    --------------------------

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .
    Please use the back door.
    --------------------------

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
    The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    --------------------------

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------
    And this one just about sums them all up

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
    'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’
    The Average American Now Complains More In A Week Than
    People Living Through The Black Plague Did Their Entire Lives



  2. #2
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    Funny
    Rickenbacher39 likes this.

  3. #3
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    Great to read, still smiling
    Rickenbacher39 likes this.
    I have often heard that "Change is Good". If this is a fact, why does history tend to repeat itself so often. I'm guessing that it is so we can learn from our mistakes that change is good?

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  5. #4
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    Amen reverend.
    Rickenbacher39 likes this.

  6. #5
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    One from a church I went to years ago:

    "The Ladies Auxiliary will be selling pasties this Saturday at the Farmer's Market to make money for the Missionary Fund."

    I'll let you think about that one.
    Rickenbacher39 likes this.
    Desperado's Big Bang Theory:
    The theory that a "big bang" from a handgun, along with a perpetrator receiving a gunshot wound, is the best way to end violent personal or property crimes.

 

 

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