please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...
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  1. #1

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    please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...


    Just another day in the U.S. court system...

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
    published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
    these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
    doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess..
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



  2. #2
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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    Unbeleivable but true.
    SEMPER FIDELIS
    OBAMA LIED AND THE ECONOMY DIED
    GUN CONTROL MEANS USING BOTH HANDS
    LIBERALISM BREEDS TERRORISM
    TOLERANCE IS THE VIRTUE OF A MAN WITHOUT CONVICTIONS
    US MARINES TRAVEL AGENTS TO ALLAH

  3. #3

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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    That's some funny stuff...I'm going to see if the local book store has a copy of it. If not...amazon does:
    http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court.../dp/0393319288

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  5. #4

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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    cracks me up...


  6. #5
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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    Sounds like my divorce lawyer. It's a shame that you can only find out after the fact that your lawyer is a moron.

    Doctor too for that matter!!! The only two professions that absolutely will not guarantee their work!
    Life time member of the human race, and self proclaimed genius!

  7. #6
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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    They are funny

    Quote Originally Posted by jlentz
    Sounds like my divorce lawyer. It's a shame that you can only find out after the fact that your lawyer is a moron.

    Doctor too for that matter!!! The only two professions that absolutely will not guarantee their work!
    That's why being Lawyers and Doctors are not a business, it's a constant practice.

    Practicing law and practicing medicine. If they fixed cars or sold parts they would be out of business.
    NRA Member

  8. #7
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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    Oh, good grief!!
    'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him,
    but because he loves what is behind him.
    'G. K. Chesterton

  9. #8
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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    Nice
    All your firearms needs. Retail guns at wholesale prices.

    https://www.taurusarmed.net/forums/index.php?topic=34277.0

  10. #9
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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    "ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid"

    I love that one!!!
    NRA MEMBER

  11. #10
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    Re: please, Please, PLEASE! Only Read This When And Where You Can Laugh Out Loud...

    I laughed. Thanks.
    Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one. - Nietzsche
    Remember that every time you encounter a monster but fail to fight it, you become responsible for everything that monster will ever do from then on. - Kappy

 

 
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